I really didn’t want to do a piece on Campain (sic) 2016. But this sprang up in my mind today, and what the heck, everybody else is, so why not I? Submitted for your amusement, a wallet-sized snapshot of the key platform elements for (most of) the pResidential candidates. I tried my best to be brief on each, but some folks just rate a more thorough scouring. To the candidates whom I left out … try to statist harder. Maybe you’ll make it next time.
Jeb: “I am not my brother. Think of me as more like McCain … or Romney. As far as my specific positions, look, stuff happens. Things happen all the time. Things. Is that better?”
Ben: “Maybe. Possibly. I am thinking seriously about things. I have not yet fully fleshed out my policies. This isn’t any evolution of my views, just that I’ve learned how to express myself.”
Chris: “I fixed New Jersey’s economy so well that the state’s credit rating was only downgraded nine times during my reign. And we’re still ahead of Illinois! Mary Jane is a gateway drug and, if elected, I will rid the states of it root and stem. I don’t need anything that gives me the munchies.”
Ted: “I’m bullish on killing. Well, not babies. But all other criminals, terrorists, and bad guys. I strongly defend golf courses, grazing pastures, and paved roads.”
Rand: “I’m a Republican. I’m a conservative. I’m a Tea Partyer. I’m a libertarian. You name it, I can be it. Except my Dad. I can not be my Dad. I oppose government control … except where it suits my purposes. I think we can have most things both ways.”
Marco: “I am more conservative than anybody, but I support immigration reform, especially for my parents. I dispute climate change science, but I have no problem with the Pope’s support for it.”
Donald: “It is wrong that a rich person can have more influence than people without money. That’s why I’m financing my own campaign. I beat other nations economically all the time, and as pResident I’ll do the same. I oppose immigration reform unless I’m ‘H2B-ing’ them. I don’t believe all gun owners should be punished for the acts of a few individuals, but I think we should ban all Muslims. I support traditional marriage to hot young chicks. I want people to be guessing … I don’t want people to figure it out. I don’t want people to know what my plan is. I have plans. I have plans! But I don’t want to do it.”
Hillary: “I’m a proven commodity. I’ve been First Lady twice and have guided my husband through many tight (and some loose) situations. I have been a Senator and almost served two terms before destiny called me. I have been Secretary of State and had a thinly disguised TV series made about that. By the way, there are two other TV dramas based on me as well, so there’s that as well. I’ve declared war on the billionaire class … at least until we’re no longer poorer than that. I have bigger balls than any Republican war-monger … and I’ve killed more people than they have. I’m more conservative than any Republican, and more progressive than any Democrat.”
Bernie: “I am not a socialist. I do not want to replace capitalism. I just want the government to regulate every aspect of it. I want to rebuild America’s job base by rebuilding muh roads. Oh yeah … and free stuff for everyone.”
Martin: “If you like the political climate in Baltimore and in Maryland, you’ll love what I’m going to give the United States.”